TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: March 14, 2005
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fu*ck are you doing?