Sunday, March 29, 2009
TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: March 14, 2005
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fu*ck are you doing?
This is allegidly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... (and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!).
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
How you wonder what you are...
And once you know what you are...
Mental Hospital is not so far...."
But mental hospitals, are, well, kind of limiting. I mean, the inmates (such as myself), do have immense potential, but the authorities seldom allow them the liberty to express their creativity.
Hence, I choose this blog to be my stage, to share with the netizens all the er....creative stuff that's cooked up in my head from time to time, and also some of the stuff told, forwarded, and otherwise expressed to me by my other worthy peers.
Read at your own risk, and if you are offended, feel free to send me a death threat.