ABCD Ka Diwali

ABCD Ka Diwali

How does an ABCD(American Born Confused Desi) explain to his younger
brother the topic - When and how did Diwali begin? This is how he goes
about it...
So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.

But,like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she
forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was
Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'. Since he was
going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so,he decided to
take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all
chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit,
really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.But this
dude,Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was
fine.But then some bad gansta' boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up
his babe (Sita)and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man,
and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz
'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So
anyways, you don't mess the gods.So, Ram and his bro get an army of
monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go
along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this
gansta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the
forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or
shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. His bro and the
wife are back home.

People thought, well, you know, atleast they deserve somethin' nice
and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they
couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke or
shit. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was
pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had
some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what,
dude,that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first
musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the <BR>4th of the July
stuff but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was
how, like, this festival started. Cool!!! Diwali Rocks Maaaan!

Matrimonial ADS of Men taken from shaadi.com

Hello To Viewvers My Name is Shiva , I am single i dont have female, If any
one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education
but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...
when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks
yours Regards Shiva ~*~
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i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he
is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

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Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never
create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can
run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one
brother and one sister. She should be educated.

(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love
to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am
looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself
a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........
hold
my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

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i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i
amlooking onegirl she caremeandloveme lot lot lot

(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
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My wife should be as 'Parvati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as
in KSBKBT......

(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,
ain't he?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while
steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF
GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN
GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH
ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing{laughing})

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone wife
and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would be
called the woman of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the
patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering
from "Ok-syndrome")

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HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND
1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the "ok syndrome" again)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam pranav my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother
sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)

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iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent.
i
am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi
diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! J )

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Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. She love me heartly or she havea frank
she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think
is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful.
but
iam not a handsome boy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a
good boy. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye.

(uttama purish)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.She was marred.

(No comments)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i
divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste
accepted ...

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should
be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

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to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable

(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bridegroom.
I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one
soon.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.
because girl is the maharani.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying
salary at present.

(Any takers again?)
________________________________

Killer English.....

Killer English ……
Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette...? "


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Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

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once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america ..."

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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

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dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

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My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"


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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

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"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

****************************** *************

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away" _
__._,_.___

Life and times in India

Mind your language

Memorandum


TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: March 14, 2005

RE: Foul Language
   



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fu*ck are you doing?

Sincerely,

The Boss

Job Application

This is allegidly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... (and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!).

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Recipe for disaster

"Twinkle twinkle little star,
How you wonder what you are...
And once you know what you are...
Mental Hospital is not so far...."

But mental hospitals, are, well, kind of limiting. I mean, the inmates (such as myself), do have immense potential, but the authorities seldom allow them the liberty to express their creativity.

Hence, I choose this blog to be my stage, to share with the netizens all the er....creative stuff that's cooked up in my head from time to time, and also some of the stuff told, forwarded, and otherwise expressed to me by my other worthy peers.

Read at your own risk, and if you are offended, feel free to send me a death threat.